4 months have passed, so much has changed.

Honestly? I gave up with this stupid blog thing. Back in the beginning of June (which was when I last posted) I began working alot.. and I just lost the time to write to this. Before I wrote this I looked back on my past posts, the things I spoke about, my opinions.. everything. The one thing I noticed from all of this was how much things have changed since I last posted. This is probably going to be the biggest blog entry yet.. and it will explain my summer and how things changed.

I began working in the hotel in June.. it wasn't quite the busy summer period yet but we were still busy enough to be doing alot of people for lunch and dinner. I made alot of friends there.. or so I thought. Carli, wow, this was the girl I liked.. nice waitress, 20 years old. I can't believe how fucking stupid I was to even like or look at her. She is a complete bitch, like all girls. Me and Carli met up a few times outside work.. she introduced me to weed, we did a few spliffs once or twice then I really laid off it for some time. Still, she wouldn't go out with me because she thought I was too young. I was pissed off, and nothing seemed good anymore, it was like I couldn't be happy. I rang up my ex, Emma, the girl I lost my virginity to. So, it turns out that Emma had been completely depressed since I dumped her (I dumped her back in Feb 08 because I hated everything about her) so we decided to be fuck buddies. Basically throughout the summer most of the money I was earning full time was being spent on fun trips to Blackburn to see her, and well, fuck her. It was never a relationship.. we were both someone who the other person could have sex with without any strings attached.

Then the real fun happened. Adam, joined the hotel around mid August time. KP, Polish, very dumb but hey, he sold weed eh? He was a major drug dealer and for the first time I had access to any drug of my choice. We became very good friends and to be honest I got bored of Emma, I told her I didn't wanna see her anymore and that was that, we have not spoken since. I don't miss her, I don't miss the sex. So, all of the sudden I found myself in a decent position. I was working full time, and I had alot of cash at my disposal. By this time I had signed up for a different college course which was due to start in September - it was called a Programme led apprenticeship where we would spend 3 days at college and 2 days at work.

So, I had maybe 4-5 weeks left of work experience and one night I brought some weed off Adam. Went to my friends house, smoked it and decided that fuck.. this shit is amazing. From that night, it was a weekly thing. I would buy large amounts of weed and smoke it by the ounce each time. This whole time, I could have tried other things.. but I didn't want to, still don't. Theres something about weed that me and my best friend love.. its hard to describe the feeling when you're high, but its something I love so much that I still continue to do it.

So, I will continue more with the weed later, but for now I was still working at the hotel. Kenna, Fi, Abi, Sami, all bitches.. I hate them all!!! It was around late August when my hotel started taking the piss. They would call me to work on my days off, move my shifts around, tell me I had the day or evening off randomly. I never once complained, I still just slaved my ass away each day working most of the day for a pathetic £4.60 an hour. The hours weren't the worse in the world.. maybe I did around 32-35 hours each week, but I still did this sometimes on a 4 day basis, my work would just mess me around.

Anyway, college started, I was still working at the hotel so I told them that college was starting again soon, and could I go part time? They let me on part time, and for the first 2 weeks of college I worked at the hotel part time.. this whole time I was still buying weed on a regular basis.. nothing I'm proud of, but I do love the stuff. Then, one day I sat down and took a long look at myself.. I was bored. Bored of life, bored of working at some shitty hotel, bored of college. I had 1 friend. My best friend had stuck by me throughout all the summer... and all the people from college last year just fucked off. They never once tried to talk to me, or make contact .. some friends eh? I quickly quit college.. my reasons; I wanted more money, and I couldn't be bothered doing easy shit at college.

So, by this point we are recent, we're talking about maybe 3 weeks ago? I went into work, told them I had quit college and they all laughed in my fucking face. They laughed in my face about a choice I had personally made. I asked them if I could go full time again and they said maybe. Maybe to me wasn't good enough.. I needed a full time job, and fast.. so I started looking else where. Bingo, one Thursday night I found an advert for a commis chef in the Print Room in Bournemouth. I quickly sent them my CV seeing as its the best restaurant in Bournemouth. I went for an interview on Saturday morning, and after a 30min interview they got me in for a trail that night. The 4th of October.. I'll never forget. That morning I went to work, picked up my stuff and left. No more shitty hotels.. no more bitches I had to work with.. no more pathetic chefs bullying me everyday at work. New start, new job..

That night I got the job at the Print Room. I started full time on the 6th, Monday. I went to my old hotel sometime that week to pick up my P45 and I was just greeted with a bombardment of abuse, swearing and insults just because I had left. My response; For months, I worked with chefs who teased me everyday.. I worked my butt off, on a shitty wage.. I was never late, I was hard working and never once did I complain.. not once! The manager of the hotel, Matt, still had the cheek to come up to me and tell me I was throwing my life away by quitting college and my Job, that it was unacceptable to just leave, how I was a brat.. what a way to end it eh?

So that's where the story of the Lampeter Hotel ends, and the Print Room story starts. I am working 57-60 hours a week, over 5 days and I am on £1000 salary per month meaning I get £1000 each month no matter how many hours I work. Its the best restaurant in Bournemouth, and I am learning so so much its unbelievable.

I have it all.. a perfect stable job..but that's all I have. I am still under huge amounts of stress that I can't cope. I work so hard at work and yet there are no rewards to anything. Is there suppose to be rewards? I don't know.. but I still walk alone in the street. I still keep my head down, smoke a cigarette and have my music blasting through my headphones. I still get high at least twice a week now, although I have stopped buying it for good and decided that if I am ever going to smoke it, I won't be paying for it. I also still have not made any new friends at my new job, and my mate is being annoying as of late. I am finding that I'm catching his lies out one too many times.. I hate it. I have become so careful with him.. nothing he says at the moment I believe without proof.. its harsh but hes told me before he lies about everything.. then a while on I start picking up on lies.. then I realise "yes, he is lying"

I have nobody to talk to about anything. I don't want shitty parents to talk to, they are too old fashioned for me to talk to.. I don't like telling them personal stuff either..

So, I write it here. And let my inner thoughts out.

Life is shitty. I hate life. I need a cigarette as well.