Okay, so I just introduced my best friend to blogspot. I showed him my blog and he decided to get one himself. I was a bit skeptical about showing it to him at first because its got some personal stuff on there, but thinking about it now there's nothing he doesn't know about, so its all cool. If you are interested in reading his blog then go to secret-successions and check it out. Hes a really cool guy and he writes about alot of deep and interesting stuff. 

I got paid on Saturday, then on Sunday I just went into Bournemouth for the day, did aload of shopping and managed to somehow splash out £76 in one day. I got this game called Bully for the Wii, and a new CD called Pure Garage: Back to old school which is fantastic! If you like a bit of old school UK garage, and drum and base then you should seriously get this, well worth it! Then I got my mum some chocolates, but just so she wouldn't moan about the fact that I spent my entire pay check on her haha. After that I went and got myself a McDonald's because I'm cool like that, then I got the bus to my friends work and we hung out there for a bit, then disappeared to Poole quay for a bit, wasted some money on the fruit machines. Then we had a couple of smokes, then I went home. Now I have £0, and not even enough money to get the bus to college. Today, I took £2.20 for bus fair tomorrow when I come home from my friends house. Then I will have to take another £2.20 the next day, and keep going until I next get paid. Whenever that is...........

My friend just asked me a question. If there was a gun being pointed at my head, and I was told "its either you, or one of your two other class mates" who would take the bullet? I don't find this selfish at all, but I said one of my class mates, simply because I am a bit of a selfish person and would rather care about my own life than someone Else's. I know this makes me a supermassively evil person but hey, its life, and we live with these things.

Tomorrow in college we get to make lots of yummy stuff, and taking about yummy stuff I made strawberry and prosecco jelly at home which was lovely. Incase you want the recipe:

*200g sugar

*150ml water

*8 large strawberries

*6 Gelatin sheets

*200ml Prosecco wine

You mix with sugar with the water and heat until dissolved. Then add 4 chopped strawberries and bring to the boil, then cook it for 5 minutes at boiling point to make a syrup. Drain it into a separate bowl and cool slightly. Add the gelatin sheets to cold water until soft, then mix in with the warm syrup. Then add the 200ml of wine and stir together. Get glasses out, or whatever you are using to put the jelly in, and fill halfway with small chopped strawberries. Then pour the mixture in, this way the strawberries will float on top. Then cool overnight in the fridge for about 12-15 hours. 

I found a key logger on my pc

Wtf is going on. I was installing something today, a driving theory cd-rom and when I closed it up pops this key logger lite program.. I have a nose around and from the first day I had this new pc its been recording everything I type. All my personal conversations, blog entries, msn, lw, the lot, all recorded on it. I've tried removing it, I can't, so I'm getting tech help from some contacts I know.

I suspect its my stepdad or both my parents who are in on this, doing it to keep tabs on me. In fact I know its them. I just had ago at my mum, and she seems to know nothing about it, but whatever. At the end of the day, I do look at porn, I download music and I talk about personal issues with friends.. stuff I wouldn't want anyone else knowing about, and yet every word is being recorded. Its an invasion of my own privacy.

Until its gone I'm going to be way more careful about what I type... its so unfair. I'm 17.. wtf?

I started my counseling on Wednesday

I started my first counseling session on Wednesday. If you look back a bit you'll see one of my blog posts on my bad dreams with my dad being involved with them. Its still happening, not as often as it was at the start, however they are still happening 3 weeks later. I told my college tutor about them on Monday, she is only the 2nd person to know, 1st is my best friend. She just talked to me for a bit then said it would be best if I got some counseling for this, just to talk it over and try and figure it all out. So, I started my first one on Wednesday and it went brilliantly. I sat down, nice comfy sofa, and just talked to my councilor. We spoke alot about my past, and also quite abit about my family in general, and of course the dreams. She managed to really make things clear to me, and although we only had an hour together it really did help. Its too complicated and long to explain on here but I know the dreams are only happening because I was scared of my dad for so long. I still am scared incase he ever randomly finds me, on top of this I've got a weird and deep fear that he could be stalking me and we talked about this alot as well. I have another session next Thursday with her for another hour.

Tonight is the first night I've been home since Sunday night haha, I've stayed round my friends house for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night. Then today we had a day off college because of the teachers strike across England. So me and about 8 other people went to the cinema to see a film called "21" which is all about maths, and making a system to win in blackjack. It was really good, and it was a great laugh haha!

Oh and I booked my theory test for my driving on the 1st of May. I'm scared, haven't really practiced much.. I'm gonna do it loads over this weekend. Woops. lol.

I got a new computer!

Sorry I haven't written here in a while, I've not had the Internet, well actually I haven't had a computer at all. My laptop basically died on me last week and wouldn't boot. My super nerdy pc god stepdad couldn't fix it, so I've just got a new desktop computer.

College has been good too this week, I've just got 4 more assignments to do and then I've done all of them. 2 I'm almost done with and 1 I've not started (woops) and the other is on-going during our theory lessons.

I have been confirmed work placement for June. I won't say where I'm going, but I am going to a lovely hotel in Bournemouth - and better still my best friend is going there too (outta luck somehow) and I know the head chef who runs the hotel, we get along great and he knows me quite well. All around its going to be a pretty good 3 months, and then by time I'm done I'm hoping I will be driving by then!

My new favourite songs at the moment are "wiley - wearing my rolex" and "mack d & dreados - break up" can't get enough of them haha.

My grandad is down for a few days too at the moment, so it should be good fun!

Scary dreams, do they mean anything?

I've been having some weird weird dreams over the past week. At first I thought nothing of it, but now its been a week, and nearly every night the same guy is in my dream. That person is my dad. I won't go into details about my dad and I, but keeping it simple - I hate him, and we haven't spoken nor seen each other for a year and a half now (since December 2006).

He was a violent loon to put it nicely. The type of guy always out looking for trouble, or starting unnecessary trouble and violence. I admit, at the time when I was 15 I was scared of him, I was scared shitless at the thoughts of what he was going to do, or what trouble he would get us into whenever I saw him. However, its been a whole year and a half now and nothing, no thoughts, dreams, nothing have occurred about him. He is completely out of my life.

So, the dreams. Well. They all have my dad in it. They are all a kind of nightmares too. The first dream (about a week ago) took place in my college. There is a kitchen there and the huge windows have the open view of the car park. On a Monday I am usually in this kitchen until 8-9pm at night with my college class, so the car park is empty at around 6ish. Its day light in my dream, and can't be pitch black yet, but I remember just turning around and seeing my dad just stood there, in the middle of the car park, looking right into my eyes. He had no expression on his face at all, just a blank and numb look as he stared directly at me. I screamed, and woke up in a sweat, the end of it you might think? Nope, think again. I fell back to sleep shortly after and I vividly remember the dream because it continued. I looked back around and he was gone from the car park.. only this time I looked across the kitchen and his entire face was in the window of the door, looking right at me.. expressionless once again.. just starring at me! I grabbed a knife and lunged for the door and he was gone! I sorta just stood there, knife in hand with my friends going "Joe, are you alright.. put the knife down whats going on?" and I was replying "oh my god he was there at the window and in the car park!!!!"...

That was the end of the first dream but I've been having 1 per night now and they all involve the same thing - my dad, staring at me, while I do various things. The scariest was the other night when I was on the tube in London. I was in a tunnel and the lights blacked out for a moment ..there was a tiny bit of emergency lighting on, but in my reflection of the door my dad was standing behind me! His face exactly the same.. just motionless and dead looking. Another night before that I was with a group of friends, I was at the Bournemouth Aquarium, walking through a tunnel with water all around me. On the other side of the water there was another area where people were, and there, staring at me, was my dad, only this time all my friends saw it and were equally freaked.
Its got to the point now where every dream I have, I just expect to see him, and its really freaking me out now!

Last night, it happened again. In my dream I opened my blind and window in the middle of the night to get some fresh air. Standing in the middle of my road right outside my house looking right at me was my dad. Expressionless, emotionless, just looking at me.. I screamed before waking up.

What does this mean? Does it mean anything at all?

Experience beats money!

I just got a job, in a cafe on the sea front. I should be happy right that I've got a new job but I'm not, in fact its fucking shit to be honest. Firstly, the food they do there is just crappy cafe food such as fish and chips, chili con carni, big fully cooked English breakfasts etc. and then secondly I am only getting paid £4.80 an our, thirdly I'm only working Sundays!! What the fuck?! I mean my mum found me this job, she saw the advert, and she left them with my details, then got me to ring up - although I didn't really want to. Its not even her place to do so, but shes desperate for me to get a job even though she doesn't understand I don't want a job any old place. I've never been there though so I didn't know what to expect food wise, nor pay, nor hours. But hey, I gave it ago and it turned out to be shit. My mum had ago at me saying "ooh its money, just do it and be happy with it"!
Okay, rant time as to why I don't like it. Firstly, I am used to cooking and doing high quality food in high quality establishments. At college they teach us fine dining, and I've done shifts at 5 star hotels as well as nice restaurants and pubs even. I don't care what the pay is, the only thing I care about is the place I work at and how much experience I am getting. If I am working for 8 hours in a shitty cafe on a Sunday; what experience am I getting? It doesn't look good on my CV and to be honest my experience level is at alot higher than microwaved mushy peas, frozen chips and farmed deep fat fried fish.
I know I need a job, but everywhere good at the moment is looking for a full time chef not a part time.. so as much as I need the money I am going to have to wait. I don't want to work at this cafe at all. All the chefs there looked like moneys arses who didn't give a crap, and your reading the blog of a guy who did a few shifts at The Captains Club where the head chef is the sous chef in Burj al Arab in Dubai – regarded as being the only seven star hotel in the world! So its like, fuck off... I don't want to work in your shitty little cafe! I might need the money, but I would rather go without than work there.

Most people would work there just for the money, but to me experience beats money.

What a day!

Okay so yesterday my lecturer at college told me that I had an outstanding assignment due in. I was obviously confused because before the Easter holidays (about 3 weeks ago) I made sure everything was in. This particular assignment that she is on about I did months ago, but then it was given back to me to add changes. I spent around 3 and a half hours making all these changes and its not one of those things where someone can say "are you sure you did it?" because I remember making the changes and re-handing it in. But no, they don't have it. So, this morning before I left college I checked my computer for this assignment, it wasn't there. I checked my removable hard-drive and it was on there but it was the original unedited version!!!!! I've been busy all day and haven't really had much of a chance to do it, and now its 1am, and I'm probably going to have a sleepless night trying to finish this so I don't get chucked off the course. Grr, stupid college!

However, other than that slight misfortune I did actually have quite a good day. I went to college 9:00am-1:30pm and then me and about 6 other people went down to Bournemouth beach for a bit of fun. We played a bit of footie on the beach, just a small kick about, then we all just jumped in the sea and swam right out .. couple of people were in trunks, I on the other hand wore my jeans and top in. I'm super self conscious about my chest so I never really show it in public.. however, for this rare occasion I took it off and wow, It felt really weird, but good! I got a sudden confidence boost it was really odd! Anyway, so I swam about for a bit, the water was actually quite warm as it was a hot sunny day so it wasn't like we froze or nothing. Back to my confidence boost; we got out of the water and played a bit more football. Then my friend saw these two girls, one was ugly the other was completely hot! He went over and jokingly asked the ugly one for her number for my other friend haha, just as a harsh joke. But anyway, when he came back I went over there to talk to them and got both their numbers, and my picture taken with one of them! All this happened with my top off!!! I know it sounds like nothing big but you have no clue how much it means.. for the first time since I was 13 I not only had my top off in public and around other people, but I felt confident about it as well! Obviously I still wanna lose a bit of weight, but I'm now only 138 pounds, I want to be around the 120 pounds mark. Still though, I'm over the moon!

I text those girls for most of this evening, and then I asked one of them if she was busy this Saturday night, so we're going out for a stroll along the beach - ya know, for a chat and everything just to get to know each other. Shes 21, I'm 17 so there's an age gap, but who cares.

So now after all that I'm shattered, and I'm literally falling asleep at the keyboard, however, I have to stay up for at least another 2-2 and a half hours to finish this bullshit assignment because those incompetent buffoons in the catering office can't file a stupid assignment which I handed in months ago!

Damn.

Its 4am, and I can't sleep. I'm sleepy but I can't sleep. Its completely fucked up really. More on my mind again, this time its my best friend. I started college in September 2007 with no friends at all.. an argument at highschool had left me fallen out with all my friends. Anyway, I made these 2 amazing friends who I saw outside college alot. But 1 is my best best friend, me and him think alike, we like the same things and he is just a really awesome guy. Today he told me that his uncle who has his own restaurant is giving him the opportunity to go and work in this restaurant. You're probably thinking "thats fantastic" but get this, its in Japan!!! =[ which sucks to be honest. He would be living with his uncle and working in his restaurant for well... I don't know how long but its a job offer for the end of this college year. I knew all about his uncle, I just didn't realise he would give him that opportunity really. Hes not 100% sure if hes going to go yet, I mean he has a wonderful girlfriend who he has been together with now for about a year and he doesn't wanna leave her.

I'm happy for him... really I am.. but if he goes, I'll just feel a bit empty. If that doesn't sound too emo'ish.

I start back at college today at 1pm. Should be good fun seeing everyone again really! I'm looking forward to it!

Just, I can't believe I've made a good friend and he might just be disappearing.... but thats life eh?

My first party..

Yeah so I just threw my first party ever. I'm 17 and its the first party I've ever had. Obviously I've been to ones before but not really had one myself. Anyway, it went okay, I had planned for about 15-20 people to come.. so it was a smallish party but in the end only 8 came. Which was really really small. However, we still had a ton of fun. There was music, food and plenty of beer. All the good makings for a wicked party. Nothing went wrong, nobody gate crashed the party or anything like that. So in the end it was all cool!

Talk about weird though, I picked my friends Hana, Charlie and Jade up from the train station and we walked over to the bus stop. Anyway we were all having a chat and waiting for the bus when this guy walks along. He obviously is a druggie or some nutter, you can just tell by the way he looks and is dressed. Shabby clothes and jacket, face looks terrible all the signs of either a hobo or a drug addict. He then starts going on about how is arm is hurting, the most fake act ever. Then he starts slurring his speech, and going on about how his arm is now fine. At this point the bus comes and as we walk on, he says "see ya soon sexy girls" and then makes a loud kissing noise towards them. I know this was a complete over reaction but I just turned around and told him to get lost and If I ever heard him say that again he would regret it. Bad move on my half yes as it makes me seem violent and aggressive, but honestly he just turned around and walked off quickly. People like that need to know that behaviour like that is classed as harassment and he could be arrested for that if he was reported. What a creep.

At the end though, everyone had a beer, 2 people got drunk out of their skulls (1 of which was sick), 1 person got mildly drunk and everyone had a good time! The house wasn't too much of a mess and it only took me and my friend 30 minutes to clean it. Here is a picture of the amount of drink we had haha..

Might not seem like much, but that was taken at the end of the party. Theres 20 bottles and 12 cans of beer there! Thats 32 drinks, 8 people, 4 per person. Although some had less and some had more. Take one person for example, they only had 1, and another had 10. So it varies.

Anyway, I hate to end this post on a bad note as tonight was quite fun but my parents have once again been mega lame. Yeah it was nice of them to let me have this party but really they were totally against it and you could tell. Firstly to get more people to come I did advertise the party on my bebo. I put my address followed by the party details into this bit in my bebo profile. However, I did this knowing that my profile was private and that nobody but my friends could view it. And my friends were going anyway. Yeah it was a bit silly seeing as my bebo could have been hacked by people and then my party gate crashed but I highly doubted that. And my friends aren't really the type of people to spread this to everyone they know. Then my parents found out about this, not sure how, they must be going back to spying on everything I do on the web, which is pathetic seeing as I'm 17. My internet is controlled via my stepdads computer as he controls the bandwidth for everyones laptops, this way any site I view goes through his PC which I imagine is how he finds out about these things. On the other hand I have my thoughts and ideas that hes got a key logger programme hidden on my laptop. Again, not doing them any favours at all to be spying on me like that. My mum moans all the time that I'm quite and never tell her or my stepdad anything.. but to be honest I don't want to tell them anything. They are so old fashion, lame, boring, and they don't know anything to be honest. They are patronising, and we have nothing in common. For example. Upon finding out their address had been put on the internet I of course removed it, but then tried to explain that my bebo was private and only my friends could see it. Then she rang her friend and in front of me started going on about bebo, something which she had no clue about.. *quote* : "yeah bebo is a forum thingy, and it only takes someone to know his password for the private area where he posted it and then everyone will see.." Urm, I actually felt like bashing my head against a brick and asking her what the fuck she was on about. Nobody would find out my password, I don't even have a secret question or anything which can be used to crack my password. Bebo isn't really a forum place either, its more of a social network where you make a profile and send each other comments on their bebo. Its hardly like a forum where its got topics and posts.. etc. Shes has no clue about it, haha and she just ends up sounding really retarded!

Anyway, shortly after that my stepdad called me into his office. He showed me a famous news story about a person who had a massive 18th birthday party in this mansion which got gate crashed by about 2 thousand people. He then got all freaked out saying that we would get gatecrashed and a bunch of other stuff which I didn't really pay attention to. Basically though he thought it would get gatecrashed by 2 thousand people and when I said it wouldn't he argued that you never know. Well, I do know, and I proved him wrong yet again, and of course making both parents look like fools. Why were they getting worried? 8 people came. 8. Not the 2 thousand that he claimed would come. Just 8. Nothing went wrong, nothing was broken, nothing damaged, nothing like that happened at all. So why shout, why argue, why be miserable for nothing? Just doesn't make much sense to me.

Sleepless In Bournemouth....

Meh, I'm wide awake, and I can't sleep at all. On top of that I'm bored.. which doesn't leave a good combination really. I've got quite a bit on my mind at the moment.

Listening to: "Dragon Force - Through The Fire And Flames" which isn't really my type of music at all, in fact I hate metal/heavy metal but I was round my friends house the other day and we were playing guitar hero 3 on the wii (with the guitar and everything.. it was such an awesome game!!) and that was one of the songs. I quite like it actually.. like I said, its not type of music at all, but this time its different.. I dunno, better than most other metal.

Anyway, so, what do I have on my mind? Well, its alot of things. Mostly money really. I got this awesome job at this really super duper hotel in Christchurch where I live for a commis chef. Bingo I though, just my luck, an awesome job right around the corner from me! I went for an interview and they gave me a shift to do. It was in one word; amazing! The kitchen was incredible, the chefs were amazing and the atmosphere in general was fantastic. I loved it. At the end though they came up to me and told me that unfortunately although they did like me the position was a full time commis chef. They told me that if a full time chef came along that was good they would have to give that person the job not me. However, they did shake my hand and thank me for working there. All in all I think it went quite good. Then the head chef said he would call me back soon and give me some more work - providing another chef didn't come along. Well, they never did ring... and it turns out another full time chef started working there.

I have been searching around for another job.. not hard enough according to my parents. They constantly moan at me for not having a job, and yeah I fully understand why, but at the same time they just want me to get a job anywhere that pays money! I tried explaining to them that my profession, what I am learning at college, what my career is, its catering. I am a chef, and thats all I'm ever going to be. But still, they are moaning at me all the time.. really I don't see why they are doing it, its hardly doing them any favours moaning at me.. and also I'm confused. They said that *quote..* "you need your own money, you are costing us too much!!" urm, I'm really not your average teenager. I don't go shopping 24/7, I don't buy myself games, cd's, dvds, clothes, new shoes, or anything like that. I have enough clothes, and 2 paires of shoes. All I get in a month is a £54 bus pass ... so how on earth I'm costing them "too much" I will never understand. And then of course when I question this the "don't be so naive" is followed by my mums patronising fat face. I will find a job soon enough. And I don't like it when they push me.. they might think i'm in deserape need for a job but the only money I need is £54 to get a bus pass and the money I owe them, which can wait - trust me!

Which brings me onto my next bit. College. I'm on first stage disciplinary at college at the moment for several things. Mostly missing time off which is pathetically stupid. Anyway, they told me I had the worse report they had seen and that although I will probably pass the course my chances of going to work placement in the summer (they send you to a top hotel, like the Ritz for example) and getting into the next year is slim. So, although I have pulled my weight, I've attended every class, and not missed any deadlines, I've been doing some serious thinking. It all started when my best friend Jay told me he wasn't going into the second year. The first year if we pass we get our VRQ L1 which is the same as a NVQ L2. The second year if we pass we get our VRQ L2 which is the same as a NVQ L3 (which is fantastic in other words). He told me he wasn't going into the second year. I was quite shocked and surprised actually because hes a damn good chef! I asked him what he was going to do and he told me that he was going to get an apprenticeship in a kitchen and study for his VRQ L2 by being a day realise student. This in more simple terms means that while working full time and earning full time wages, on his day off he can come into college and study for his VRQ L2 which he will take over the course of the year 1 or 2 days a week. The idea completely grabbed me, I mean fuck, most places are looking for a full time chef not a part time chef. What harm would it be to do the same as he is? To not go to the second year, become a full time chef and then be a day realise student? When I go back to college on Monday I will find out more about this, talk it over with my lecturers for a bit before I make any drastic choices.

Most importantly of all though I won't be telling my parents this anytime soon. This just doesn't concern them yet, and even if I did tell them I would get a bad reaction. Well, I'm not sure, they are so unpredictable I don't know what they would say. But hey, I'm not going to tell them yet. Knowing them though, they probably are spying on my blog reading this - somehow.

But this new idea, it just makes alot of sense to me.. for now anyway. I have much much bigger plans up my sleeve for later on. Much much bigger plans, and for now I will need catering and my career as a chef to fall back on if this bigger plan doesn't work. More on that at a later date. But trust me, its big!

I'm now listening to a far better song. "Tillmann Uhrmacher - On The Run (Ocean To Shore Club Extended version)" It is such a good club tune.. its a real chill out classic.. download it if you can! Its a bit of a long song but its so good, and club fans everywhere will love this! For now, I'm going to try and get some sleep. I have a huge house party tomorrow night which I'm pretty hyped up about! Its going to be nothing but booze, music and girls! Tons of people are coming, plenty of chicks and guys, so lets wait for the party to get started! woo! ha ha. My step dad was a bit .. mmm, weird about it. I really don't see why he doesn't like parties, they are great great fun! He is worried it will get out of hand as alot of people are coming. But honestly, what could go wrong? Yeah 1 or 2 people get drunk, there's a few 18 and 19 year olds going, most are only 17 though, but other than drunk teens what could go wrong? If any one starts trouble they get kicked out, plain and simple. No weed or drugs at the party. So really all its going to be is alot of dancing, alot of loud music, alot of alcohol and possibly sex if 2 people I think are going to get it on do! Really, what is there to be worried about.. fucking parents these days. And then they have the cheek to say to me "well when you have your own house you won't want a party in it either!" .. urm, I am nothing like my parents. My parents are nerds who don't have fun.. no offence to them. But my parents have a completely different idea of fun to me, and parties are fun.. I would defiantly have a party in my own place! Why not eh? To be honest, if I was allowed I would probably get 100+ people to this party tomorrow night.... the wilder and louder the party = the better! But thats just me, and for now seeing as I'm living under their roof I just have to agree and shut the fuck up. Then voice my real opinion in blogs for others to read. Have fun!

Ahhh april fools haha

Well, happy april fools day. I haven't personally made any tricks today but I've seen loads, so here are some of my favourite jokes played today hehe... Just click the links to read the story if you can be bothered.. but honestly it will have you in fits of laughter hehehe


1) WOMEN can now have an injection that gives better orgasms by making their G-spot swell!

2) Virgin founder Richard Branson and Google co-founders will be leading hundreds of users on one of the grandest adventures in human history: Project Virgle, the first permanent human colony on Mars!

I guess that gave the day a little bit of light.. especially seeing as I had to wake up at 5am this morning thanks to some heavy rain lashing against my window and my cat deciding my pillow was his new bed. Then my driving instructor called me up.. my lesson for today is cancelled because he has to take some other person for their driving test. Then I ran out of jam, and so couldn't have toast with jam!!!!

But anyway, enjoy those april fool jokes.